LET.A.BITCH.LIVE.

Most of the time, people lie to me. And then others get irritated when I don’t trust them. So let’s go through some things. 

1) If I ask you a question and your response makes no sense, I automatically think that you’re a) lying and b) bad at lying. 

2) if you don’t think before you speak, I’m going to stop believing in you as a person. When that happens, I will also automatically think you’re lying to me. Because you probably are… see #1

3) if you know that i hate it when people take advantage of me and also happen to know that most people take advantage of me, and then you take advantage of me… do you see the logical pattern here? Do you see where I am going? 

4) Read some blogs. If you’re a dude that removes your relationship from public view and your gf isn’t even on facebook, your gf is gonna think you’re trying to cheat on her. 

Class dismissed.

If I leave you first, I beat you to the punchline.

If I decide you suck before you actually do anything significantly wrong, it won’t hurt as much when we stop talking.

If you look at all of them the way you look at me, you will eventually leave me for them, even if I don’t really deserve it.. 

If I erase you from my life, I don’t have to think about missing you or you leaving me.

The only stability I have is myself and protecting myself from all the ways that you could hurt me.

Not everyone’s past is an open book and not everyone deals with things in the same way. It might look like I cut my nose to spite my face, but is that really what I’m doing in my own eyes?

Coping means erasing every single memory of the people that hurt me. Some phrase out there says “don’t cry because it’s over, but smile because it happened.” I don’t really know if I can do that. If it was all that great, why is it over? And if it wasn’t great, why would I want to remember it? I understand that nothing lasts forever, but if things end up in shit, I clean up and move on. But I also leave the dirty rags behind. More often than not I think that everything is great up until it falls apart, but after the fact I realize how bad it was and how blind I was to it. 

I’m not perfect, but neither is anyone else. I just do what I can. And in my moments of utmost crazy, it’s my brain attempting to help me preserve myself because sometimes, when I look around, I’m still alone in a crowded room. 

I think one of the reasons I stay mad for so long for so many reasons is because, at the end of the day, I can’t forgive myself for making the bad choices that lead me to shitty situations in the first place…

Right now I’m just fucking pissed the fuck off for saying yes to going to New Orleans. I used to love vacations. Now I’m so stressed out that I can’t enjoy anything. Saying yes to a vacation taking place one month before finals was a fantastic idea. NOT. Saying yes to going to a place where there are tons of people was a fantastic idea. NOT. Saying yes to a vacation I can’t afford was a fantastic idea. NOT. These ideas in my head are, therefore, just not fantastic.

I am now sitting here pissed the fuck off because I went to New Orleans despite being broke. I went there despite the fact that I don’t drink. I went there despite the fact that my boyfriend wants to fuck everything that moves and I hate it. I should have stayed home and now I really just have no one to blame but myself.

I really just wanted this to be a nice weekend where Dyl got to see his old friends a little, we would go for some meals, walk around Bourbon Street and show off our costumes, go to the casino, go shopping, explore, etc. But it ended up with Thursday night and him getting drunk after going to a bar to meet up with his ex-girlfriend and eating dinner there, then walking back. Friday was lunch with her and her husband, which was great. I really like them. But then there was mention of VIP tickets to some place called the Dungeon and he took them and agreed to go. All of his friends were going, friends he hadn’t seen in at least two years. Am I supposed to say no after he already agreed? Right, that’s realistic. I’m the cunt that’s gonna say “NO WE’RE NOT DOING THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY SAID YES” to going out and you seeing all your friends. YUP, I’m that bitch. NO. So right there, our evening was accounted for. Dinner was not great. I picked the place. Sadly, there’s nothing around that part of Bourbon that I wanted to eat. Then he agreed to meet another friend at 8, before going to that VIP party thing or whatever. Ok. 8 o’clock you get to start drinking. Awesome. Then he’s like, let’s head out at 7 and walk around in our costumes. Sure. There’s nothing else I wanted to do. Glad you have it all planned out.

So we start walking at 7, and end up at the bar to meet his friend shortly thereafter. I stand around awkward in my sock monkey outfit for a while, say hi to whoever I get introduced to while drinking my diet coke. Then I really start meeting his friends. One after another after another. Then finally it’s onward to the Dungeon. So earlier, he had told me that I should have asked about the Dungeon since it turned out to be a Goth club that was overcrowded and way to smokey. Awful smokey. Firealarm smokey. Holding-back-tears-because-my-eyes-hurt smokey. I obviously could have and should have known that it was going to be a Goth club? Really? For the record, Dungeon could signify ANYTHING, such as perhaps a club that is in a basement. Nothing about the name strikes me as “whoa, I should really ask about this.” But clearly, since I listen to so much Goth music and dress in all black, there was no reason to give me a heads up. TOTALLY foreseeable.

So we’re there. And I’m standing around in a corner. Nothing really bothered me until 1) a girl that he introduced me to decided to put his hands on her boobs right after and 2) he decided to stare at two girls making out with his mouth hanging open. I think between those two events I started thinking about changing my flight to Saturday morning. So finally we leave the Dungeon, but only to the courtyard, where it’s still hot and crowded with people going in and out, and people smoking. I leave because I honestly thought we were all leaving. I waited outside, away from all the smoke and heat. Then we walk… and walk and walk and walk. At this point, it’s 11pm, I’ve been on my feet between standing still and walking for four hours… in footy pajamas and 4 year old uggs. Super comfortable. We walk forever and end up at a bar kinda far away. There’s no one in it at first. I’m still not drinking. At this point, I’m just stressed out because I’m not having fun. On the walk over, they’re all talking amongst each other. The guy with the banana suit is being a prick. I’m just walking alone. We get there, I stand in the middle of the bar alone for a good amount of time with his ex checking up on me every couple of minutes. Most of the seats are taken. I went outside to smoke twice without anyone realized I had gone anywhere. Finally, I just stayed out there until he came and then I said I was going home. My knee started to give out and I was getting awful shin splints.

So I took a cab home with the creepiest cabby ever. Gross. I get back to the hotel at around midnight and obviously the room we have is next to the outside bar area for the hotel so there’s a group of people chanting people’s names probably for chugging, since we’re all in college and in frats. Obviously. I was annoyed but I passed the fuck out 10 minutes later anyway because I was exhausted and in pain. (After calling United to see how much it would cost to change my flight). But don’t worry. I was woken up by boyfriend at 3 a.m. when he came stumbling in, black out drunk. He sat next to me, shook me awake during a r.e.m. cycle, only to go pass out on his bed and snore the loudest I’ve ever heard in my life while I couldn’t sleep. So I slept about three to four hours, got out of bed, decided I couldn’t do it anymore, woke up him and changed my flight.

Drastic, you say? Give it a change, you say? I did. And I even went a whole 24 hours without being a bitch even though I didn’t want to do ANYTHING that he agreed to do with his friends. The entire time I just felt like a 7th or 9th or whatever odd number wheel. Here I am, in this group of people that I don’t know. They don’t give a fuck about me, and I don’t really blame them - I’m dating their actual FRIEND that they haven’t seen in two years. Fuck me, they want to know all about him and how he’s doing, which is obviously not unreasonable. But at the end of the day, I was just like… do I really need to be here? Do I need to go to that Halloween party where I don’t know anyone Saturday night? Do I need to be in a city full of AA qualifiers when I don’t even drink? Do I really need to be here while boyfriend stares at and touches other women? Is this necessary? I have stuff to do. I have things to read and outlines to complete. I have an apartment where I can sit alone and I don’t have to deal with drunk people or people who I don’t matter to. All of Friday just felt like I was intruding on a family reunion. And not even like crashing one, but more of watching one go one from behind a barrier, while just feeling like I don’t belong there and I have no business watching. I still feel pretty fucking shitty about it. All I wanted to do was sit at the casino and see how long I could make 50$ last and go see some animals, then check out the cemeteries since they’re famous and go to all the shops. Too much to ask.

I guess what I really need to do is just learn how to say no.

Do you want to go to New Orleans? No.

Do you want to go to the bar? No.

Do you want to go to these parties? No. (In all fairness, this wasn’t something I said yes too since I was never asked)

Do you want to stay in a hotel that is way too nice for absolutely no reason? No.

Do you want to go to goth clubs? No.

Do you want to accompany me while I go see a bunch of people that I haven’t seen in a long time that you don’t know? (I now know that this answer is) no.

Do you want to sit around while I get drunk? No.

So now I am aware that if there are any situations where I am posed a question like the ones above, I will immediately answer no. I don’t think I will ever go back to New Orleans. It’s just not my style, not all the factors combined anyway. I just don’t live, nor do I appreciate, that lifestyle. At all. I know that my way of thinking is just completely sick-up-the-ass, but I’ve never thought that being drunk is the best way to have fun. Sorry. I would say that it’s not my “thing” but in reality, I hate it. I don’t care if people I don’t really know are drunk. I’m not their life coach, I don’t give fucks about what they do. But walking around for four days while your boyfriend gets drunk and generally just makes you upset? No thanks. I’ll pass. I just really wish people would understand the situation they put me in before telling me “oh you should have said no.”

Vacation failed.

Dina: more pissed off and stressed out than ever before.

Since my sister was born, all my dad’s ever said to me is that I need to be there for her. Now that I am, he’s not happy. Who’s going to understand a teenage girl better, a 54 year old guy or a 26 year old woman who happens to be her sister? 1) Yes I called myself a woman, bitch. and 2) I hope you picked the second choice, pertaining to ME because if you didn’t, you’re fucking dumb. 

So he’s doing his thing of yelling and reptar’ing all over the fucking place and I’m like DUDE don’t yell at her you’re getting nowhere. And he’s like well, obviously NOT yelling at her didn’t work either. So I may as well yell. I would be a hypocrite if I said I don’t feel like that all the TIME. I get it. Some people need to be yelled at, beaten, slapped, shaken, etc. Some need to fall down a well or get their hair lit on fire. I get it dude. But she’s 14. She’s a chick. Give her a break. Because if you don’t, she’s gonna run away from home. 

In other news, I’ve decided to stop denying it and finally admit that I am fucking spoiled. Sure I bought myself tons of shit and worked, but then my parents went and bought me more shit. So I’m not a JAP, but I’m still spoiled. Whatever. PS: hey parents, spoiling your kids and then calling them spoiled, trying to make them feel bad for whatever you’ve given them yourselves, is fucking dumb. If you don’t want spoiled kids, don’t make spoiled kids. PPS if you spoil them later in life, they will not turn into fucking douchebags and assholes. If you spoil them from birth, you should hang yourself now, because trust me, the need and desire to hang yourself WILL eventually come around anyway. I promise. If you just spoil your kids later in life and buy them stuff because you can, there’s a good chance that this new found materialism won’t change them deep down inside. I mean, personally, I love a nice purse but that doesn’t mean that I have issues with people who don’t like purses or clothing or namebrand stuff. Nor does it mean that materialism comes before all else. I just like stuff. Sometimes I can get stuff. That’s all.

PPPS: parents: teach ur kids how to share. Some kids don’t have the privilege of being spoiled, so it’d be nice if your kids could share with them and no one’s left out. That’s just me. My mom spoils me in food so I pass that along to others sometimes. =]

Ok. Good night.

if there’s some kind of natural disaster in the area that does no harm but slightly inconvenience you and creates no permanent or irresolvable damage, much less ANY damage, I’m going to save my sympathy for people that actually need it. Because I’m a heartless bitch. Obviously. 

As I’m sitting here doing work, I have a few things to be grateful for, and it’s been a while since I blogged so I figured I would write them down. Maybe in times of future desperation, I can look back at this and remember that it’s not so bad, even when things look really bleak when I’m having a bad day or just didn’t get enough sleep.

I’m grateful for my friends. Sometimes I get in my own way and forget how to appreciate people or forget that they’re actually my friends. Paranoia, I guess. Most of the time, it really is just me. I have a few unfinished things to settle with people - for the most part I wish that they would just tell me what’s going on. But if they don’t want to, I guess that’s just something I’ll have to deal with. Not everyone functions in the same way and people won’t always do what I need or want them to do. But for the most part, I have amazing people in my life that I really don’t know what I would do without them. 

I’m grateful for school. Even if I wasn’t in this school right now, I’d be in school somewhere and as much as I whine about the work, the truth is I would be in school forever if being a permanent student was an actual job… Actually, I guess it is - being a teacher. I have no patience though so that probably wouldn’t work out.

I’m grateful for my mom. She drives me crazy sometimes - she’s a parent. That’s just what they do. But you only get one mom, and I got a pretty fucking good one. Back when I was 16 and an even bigger cunt than i am now, I used to blog about how much I hate my parents.. she used to find it and get upset, thought I really hated her. Back then I was screaming invasion of privacy… even though it was a BLOG. Now, I get it. It hurts when people say they hate you, especially if its family. When you’re younger, you don’t really understand how much they give up so that you can be happy, how much of their own they put aside so that you can grow up to be your own individual, even if it’s not as much as you want. The hardest thing I’ve had to deal with are her old world customs and ideals, but the biggest things in my life that I’ve achieved are all because of her in some way.  It’s not like she sat around with me doing my homework. I made my own dioramas and got B-’s in science all on my own. I know it seems like she gave up a shitty life to come here and make a better one… and as much as I was her motivation (and I was since she was a single mom) she did it on her own. With some help. We’re not talking orphan teen mom here, but still. She did it. So I wouldn’t have to. I don’t know if a lot of people can say that. I know a few who can. But I also know a lot of people who just fell into the life that they have now because of the generational structure of their families - their parents never had to see the hard work. I don’t know. She’s not perfect… no one is. But if I turned into 95% of my mother, I honestly can’t ever say that it would be a bad thing… and I’d have an AWESOME purse and shoe collection. 

I’m grateful for therapy… and no longer procrastinating on my need to go to therapy. My chemical imbalances won’t fix themselves, and although I do not yet have any medication that will fix some of my imbalances, at least I’m trying. And I’m grateful for trying.

Last but not least, I’m grateful that my life isn’t a shit storm. I’m pretty happy. I lose sight of it sometimes, and sometimes weird things bum me out… but overall, the life I lead is not a bad one. I guess all the gray clouds found all the silver lining they could muster. Generally, I would say I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I think I’ll ride this wave out and maybe it won’t end. 

Here’s to staying positive.