December 2011
1 post
Statistics show...
Most of the time, people lie to me. And then others get irritated when I don’t trust them. So let’s go through some things.
1) If I ask you a question and your response makes no sense, I automatically think that you’re a) lying and b) bad at lying.
2) if you don’t think before you speak, I’m going to stop believing in you as a person. When that happens, I will...
November 2011
2 posts
Fear of Abandonment
If I leave you first, I beat you to the punchline.
If I decide you suck before you actually do anything significantly wrong, it won’t hurt as much when we stop talking.
If you look at all of them the way you look at me, you will eventually leave me for them, even if I don’t really deserve it..
If I erase you from my life, I don’t have to think about missing you or you leaving...
October 2011
5 posts
Frustration
I think one of the reasons I stay mad for so long for so many reasons is because, at the end of the day, I can’t forgive myself for making the bad choices that lead me to shitty situations in the first place…
Right now I’m just fucking pissed the fuck off for saying yes to going to New Orleans. I used to love vacations. Now I’m so stressed out that I can’t enjoy...
Fuel to the fire
Since my sister was born, all my dad’s ever said to me is that I need to be there for her. Now that I am, he’s not happy. Who’s going to understand a teenage girl better, a 54 year old guy or a 26 year old woman who happens to be her sister? 1) Yes I called myself a woman, bitch. and 2) I hope you picked the second choice, pertaining to ME because if you didn’t,...
August 2011
6 posts
Note to everyone
if there’s some kind of natural disaster in the area that does no harm but slightly inconvenience you and creates no permanent or irresolvable damage, much less ANY damage, I’m going to save my sympathy for people that actually need it. Because I’m a heartless bitch. Obviously.
Grateful
As I’m sitting here doing work, I have a few things to be grateful for, and it’s been a while since I blogged so I figured I would write them down. Maybe in times of future desperation, I can look back at this and remember that it’s not so bad, even when things look really bleak when I’m having a bad day or just didn’t get enough sleep.
I’m grateful for my...
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July 2011
5 posts
When you got nothin, you got nothin to lose.
When you got somethin, the whole world can come crashin down on your head at any minute.
...
I feel like I have a lot to say. And by say I mean shout. It’s a jumble of words. What I really want to do is hurt people as much as they’ve hurt me. But whatever. I’m done.
June 2011
5 posts
Silly, silly people.
So a theory was brought to my attention that the reason certain people may not be speaking to me is because they expected me to fail out instead of them. Well, that’s pretty awful. I’ve never, ever wished for bad things to happen to people I am friends with. I wanted all my friends to stay. I didn’t choose any of my friends over others. Moreover, I’ve never thought that my...
Oh and btw... grades
I got my grades back. I’m pretty fucking proud of myself. But the sad part is I know I could have done just as well the first semester if I didn’t fuck around.. and if I had known that I actually have ADHD instead of just telling myself I’m easily distracted. Oh well. What’s done is done.
Practice what you preach or shut your fucking...
… or else you’re just a boy crying wolf. I feel like a lot of people are quick and great to point out the flaws in others and slow to notice when they themselves do what they are warning others against. I think I am going to stick to a few select people this coming year simply because time has definitely warned me against trusting too many. Too quick are people to really point out what...
May 2011
5 posts
Completely brokenhearted. That was one of the hardest things I ever did and as I lay here in bed alone I am crying bc ur not with me
I Never Thought I'd Be My Own Biggest Problem
I don’t particularly know what part of my ridiculous brain is tweeked to respond to things the way that it does, but I have to be honest, I don’t appreciate it. What’s even worse is that I don’t know how to change it. That forerunning idea in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind is on point. There are events and people in our lives that we would do anything to forget. Some...
Another school year gone by...
As 1L approaches it’s timely demise… considering it ends in less than 12 hours… I think it’s time to reflect on what I’ve learned since being accepted into law school.
1. Getting into law school has absolutely nothing to do with your intelligence level. Smart people don’t act this way.
2. Asperger’s is way more prevalent than I ever thought possible.
...
Contracts Exam Preexam writing
One of the big takeaways from ILA this semester was to write for ten minutes to get over pre-exam jitters. I can’t say that I really have those. All I can say is that I am as ready as I’ll be and hopefully I get through this way better than I did last semester. I feel as though I am more prepared, in more ways than one. I really don’t know what else to write right now besides the...
April 2011
13 posts
Sometimes
Sometimes I feel like I try really hard for absolutely no reason.
Sometimes I feel like I’m unbearable.
Sometimes I can’t even deal with myself.
Sometimes I wish I could run away and my problems wouldn’t follow me.
Sometimes I wish my grandma was still alive even though she was really sick and it’s really selfish for me to say that.
Sometimes I wish I made better...
Regrets
I wish I could say I don’t have any. I think the biggest regrets I have to date generally pertain to situations where I stuck around too long. But that’s it. I think I want to try to understand others more and their ways of thinking, because I currently can’t fathom why people stick around for as long as they do, or determine that they’re going to see a person again at some...
Utmost Flawed Logic
When you hurt me,
Remind me of this moment,
When I told you
I would have rather known you
And those feelings,
Then to have never known you at all.
I am not scared;
I am certain I will heal and mend
Stonger than before,
Having felt what I felt
Because I was with you.
They say
Good decisions
Come from experience,
Which comes from bad decisions.
You were the best decision I ever made
And the...
This is awful... a few days in a row, dammit.
My shitty mood needs to change asap. Sometimes I’m really happy, but when the adderall wears off I’m like a crackhead coming down. Maybe the prozac will help when I start it tomorrow or maybe I can just ignore all my feelings. All I know is that I’d like to stop feeling like an afterthought or like I’m number 2. If I could be number 1 just once, that’ll be just fine....
To Do List
1. Lose a whole mess of weight.
2. Become less of a mess.
3. Move things out of my apartment.
4. Paint my apartment.
5. Move things into a NEW apartment.
6. Get A’s on all my finals.
7. Get A’s in my summer classes.
8. Get A’s next semester.
9. Not break up with Dyl while all of this is happening.
Happy Saturday!! <3<3<3
They always told me...
If I believed something hard enough, it’d eventually come true or happen. So I keep telling myself that you not caring about me isn’t my problem. And you know what…
That actually is true..
When that day comes
I’ll sit back and look up at the night sky.
All the stars will disappear;
Clouds will cover anything that looked
Even remotely inviting to me.
I’ll gasp for air
And try to breathe,
But you’ll have knocked the wind right out of me.
I’ll shake my head
And say
I knew it all along.
My legs will dangle
While my tears freeze on my face
And all the...
...
Telling a guy you love him is like telling him you’re pregnant when you’re not (or getting pregnant when you shouldn’t be having a kid). It’s a last ditch resort to get him to stay, but at the end, you’re going to end up alone anyway. Just saying.
Like Everything You've Ever Known
If you stick around long enough, you get hurt. It doesn’t matter if the relationship doesn’t progress on some natural course that society’s pinned down for us since the sapiens learned how to grunt at each other enough to mean “yeah i guess we should stay together. who else would fuck me.” At the rate people are going, they’d rather just give up than actually...
March 2011
15 posts
Today is a good day
I really don’t want to read this property case. I need to read this case from the Supreme Court of NJ in 1975 where the NAACP sued Mt. Laurel township for not providing affordable housing to those who are in the lower class. Then I have the privilege, as per class assignment by the professor, to argue against the NAACP. That’s stupid. The NAACP always wins, and if they don’t,...
Acceptance
When I was younger, I figured out how to deal with my parents:
Do what I’m told and nobody gets hurt.
Well.. if you haven’t figured it out yet, it kinda sucks. I know my parents like to throw the Jewish bit around a lot.. we’re jewish, no piercings, we’re jewish, no tattoos… we’re jewish, you need to be proper. I wish just once someone told me…...
Today, yesterday, tomorrow... all those days in...
I’ve had a weird feeling for a few days now.. to the point where I need Advil PM so I can go to sleep by midnight. I think I need to change my meds… or my outlook on life. I’m really happy all this shit only runs through my head and I don’t have any sort of physical outward manifestation of my problems. Smile, smile and smile some more… one day either my problems will...
Meds
I haven’t taken mine in two days and I’m starting to feel really anxious, frantic and frustrated. This is not good. God help me.
I want to run home to NJ, crawl into my bed, and never get up again.
However, since I am a functional depressive, I will stay right here, do my work, and avoid phone calls from my parents.
Mind over matter. Sort of.
Lesson learned: you can run from your problems if they’re in the form of people 160 miles away who can only contact you via a machine that allows an object called a...
Stuck in my head
If you need a friend, don’t look to a stranger, You know in the end, I’ll always be there. And when you’re in doubt, and when you’re in danger, Take a look all around, and I’ll be there. I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise) I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise) But if you wait around a...
Books.
I think I want to write one. Every time I start, I don’t know how to do it. Type? Write it out? Which way will turn out better? I don’t even know if I want to write a book so much as sit in a room for a straight month doing nothing but pouring my heart out onto a piece of paper - whatever comes out, comes out. I keep telling myself I’ll do it. I want to do it. It’s all I...
People are funny.
Things I learned a long time ago that other people should know:
1. You shouldn’t take people for granted. One day they’ll leave, and you’ll be full of regrets.
2. Lessons learned are regrets in disguise. You can argue it all you want, but saying things in hopes of saving face doesn’t change the truth.
3. When people tell you that it’s you and not them, you should...