Fear of Abandonment
If I leave you first, I beat you to the punchline.
If I decide you suck before you actually do anything significantly wrong, it won’t hurt as much when we stop talking.
If you look at all of them the way you look at me, you will eventually leave me for them, even if I don’t really deserve it..
If I erase you from my life, I don’t have to think about missing you or you leaving me.
The only stability I have is myself and protecting myself from all the ways that you could hurt me.
Not everyone’s past is an open book and not everyone deals with things in the same way. It might look like I cut my nose to spite my face, but is that really what I’m doing in my own eyes?
Coping means erasing every single memory of the people that hurt me. Some phrase out there says “don’t cry because it’s over, but smile because it happened.” I don’t really know if I can do that. If it was all that great, why is it over? And if it wasn’t great, why would I want to remember it? I understand that nothing lasts forever, but if things end up in shit, I clean up and move on. But I also leave the dirty rags behind. More often than not I think that everything is great up until it falls apart, but after the fact I realize how bad it was and how blind I was to it.
I’m not perfect, but neither is anyone else. I just do what I can. And in my moments of utmost crazy, it’s my brain attempting to help me preserve myself because sometimes, when I look around, I’m still alone in a crowded room.
