Grateful
As I’m sitting here doing work, I have a few things to be grateful for, and it’s been a while since I blogged so I figured I would write them down. Maybe in times of future desperation, I can look back at this and remember that it’s not so bad, even when things look really bleak when I’m having a bad day or just didn’t get enough sleep.
I’m grateful for my friends. Sometimes I get in my own way and forget how to appreciate people or forget that they’re actually my friends. Paranoia, I guess. Most of the time, it really is just me. I have a few unfinished things to settle with people - for the most part I wish that they would just tell me what’s going on. But if they don’t want to, I guess that’s just something I’ll have to deal with. Not everyone functions in the same way and people won’t always do what I need or want them to do. But for the most part, I have amazing people in my life that I really don’t know what I would do without them.
I’m grateful for school. Even if I wasn’t in this school right now, I’d be in school somewhere and as much as I whine about the work, the truth is I would be in school forever if being a permanent student was an actual job… Actually, I guess it is - being a teacher. I have no patience though so that probably wouldn’t work out.
I’m grateful for my mom. She drives me crazy sometimes - she’s a parent. That’s just what they do. But you only get one mom, and I got a pretty fucking good one. Back when I was 16 and an even bigger cunt than i am now, I used to blog about how much I hate my parents.. she used to find it and get upset, thought I really hated her. Back then I was screaming invasion of privacy… even though it was a BLOG. Now, I get it. It hurts when people say they hate you, especially if its family. When you’re younger, you don’t really understand how much they give up so that you can be happy, how much of their own they put aside so that you can grow up to be your own individual, even if it’s not as much as you want. The hardest thing I’ve had to deal with are her old world customs and ideals, but the biggest things in my life that I’ve achieved are all because of her in some way. It’s not like she sat around with me doing my homework. I made my own dioramas and got B-’s in science all on my own. I know it seems like she gave up a shitty life to come here and make a better one… and as much as I was her motivation (and I was since she was a single mom) she did it on her own. With some help. We’re not talking orphan teen mom here, but still. She did it. So I wouldn’t have to. I don’t know if a lot of people can say that. I know a few who can. But I also know a lot of people who just fell into the life that they have now because of the generational structure of their families - their parents never had to see the hard work. I don’t know. She’s not perfect… no one is. But if I turned into 95% of my mother, I honestly can’t ever say that it would be a bad thing… and I’d have an AWESOME purse and shoe collection.
I’m grateful for therapy… and no longer procrastinating on my need to go to therapy. My chemical imbalances won’t fix themselves, and although I do not yet have any medication that will fix some of my imbalances, at least I’m trying. And I’m grateful for trying.
Last but not least, I’m grateful that my life isn’t a shit storm. I’m pretty happy. I lose sight of it sometimes, and sometimes weird things bum me out… but overall, the life I lead is not a bad one. I guess all the gray clouds found all the silver lining they could muster. Generally, I would say I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I think I’ll ride this wave out and maybe it won’t end.
Here’s to staying positive.
